Of God and Grease.
03/06/08 14:07
I think it’s about time
that I share some of the delightful cuisine that we
have encountered on our way. Like all other places
I’ve been there have been good and bad, but please
remember I come for a culture where vegetarianism is
considered a mild eating disorder and giving someone
a pound of meat is the last step before marriage. So
my evaluation might be a bit biased.
I have divided them into two groups: The Greasers and The Champions. The Greasers aren’t necessarily bad, they’re just greasy - and often so does the service. But lets face it - grease is love.
So without (much) further ado I give you:
Kristian’s list of Roadside Greasers:
Burger King - Cornfed beef with grease, served with a side of carelessness and a big glas of ineptitude.
Sometimes when you walk into a Fast Food restaurant every bone, every fiber in your body just begs you to leave and find some real food. Obviously this is in vain - lets face it: if you wanted something that could sustain you wouldn’t be there in the first place.
But this was one of those places. As soon as we came in we get a queasy feeling. The guy swapping the floor is picking his nose, the manager is yelling across the diner that he really needs to stop picking his nose - and the only other customer in there has a contorted look in his eyes, that just gets worse for every time he chews. It looks as if his burger is trying to yank out his teeth, one at a time.
I really don’t think I’ll be going back there any time soon.
Sonic - Dunno, you try ordering a burger through an intercom in a language you don’t understand.
It started like this:
Lady in speaker: “*Scratch*, *rish*, *rish* welcome *scratch*, *beeeep* Sonic, *raaab*. Y’all want mayonnaise?”
I look desperately at Jacob who is trying to apply his knowledge of sanskrit to understand the lady. Especially the mayonnaise threw us of - this in the light of the fact that we hadn’t even ordered yet. But we were hungry as hell and decided to give it a try . So I hesitantly stutter: I would like one Bacon Cheese Burger Menu, a Caesar Salad please and two bottles of water please.
Lady in the speaker: *weeeeeeeep*, *boink*, *phone ringing*, Banana mustard and mayonnaise with the...
And I’m hit by a static noise that almost turns over our car, practically blinds me and definitely messes up Jacob hairdo. Trying to recover from the deafening noise I yell to her:
Kristian: No I just want burgers and fries please!
For two blissful seconds everything is quiet, and then a clear voice comes through the speaker:
Lady in the speaker: I know that Sir, do you want a milkshake, soda or mayonnaise with the order sir?
The blast of clarity is hard, and as this point I am utterly incapable of recovering. I wave the white flag and say:
Kristian: I’ll take a shake, mayo and a coke for the salad please....
Quiet for two seconds...
Lady in the speaker: Thank you Sir, that will be 9.87$. And Sir - you’re heading the wrong way in the drive through - please move your vehicle for the other customers to get out...
It turns out that every entrance to the Sonic diners are a one way street and that each parking spot has a radio and speaker for ordering. I had apparently parked across three of these without noticing.
Oh, and that night we had hamburgers, with a side of fries, Mountain Dew but no Mayo.
The little place in the Adirondacks I can’t remember the name of - Papa Bear burger.
We’d been driving around the Adirondacks all day and were beginning to feel the hunger known only to those who travel the frontiers - those brave enough to actually go where AT & T have no coverage, and where the internet doesn’t support streaming video. We found this little roadside diner - the first one we saw that was open out of season, and decided to go in. It looked like a place you’d find in Twin Peaks: that is - in the later episodes with the spirits and the cabin in the woods, Windom Earle and ‘Fire Walk With Me-Bob’. Great place for a Chef’s Salad, eh?
Well we get in - it’s a nice and comfortable place - and the waiter gives us the menus. Jacob quickly spots the Chef’s Salad and I’m just about to order that as well... But then I see it: up in the top right corner of the two page menu is the burger section. And right there is a burger called ‘The Mama Bear’. It looks good and I mean - it’s a mama bear how dangerous can that be? But wait there is an arrow pointing to the back page of the menu!
As you know, being an explorer takes commitment - so I travel to the last page of the menu. And as I do I am struck by a the beauty of the beast: THE PAPA BEAR BURGER!
It’s a big ass slap of meat, with sauteed onions, mushrooms, bacon and so much gravy that you could probably keep small class supertanker afloat in there. I look at Jacob who just ordered his salad and think to myself that I ought to order the salad. There is no way that I can eat that thing. It looks disgusting, unhealthy, will probably cause respiratory problems from the first bite and without doubt affect my already failing short term memory.
Later driving away from the place I thank god I had a piece of that greasy goodness and try to assure my self that even though I did finish The Papa Bear burger, it’s still not ok for me to devour Jacob as celebratory snack.
Whataburger - The Triple Everything.
I’m not really sure what it was that they served me. I do however remember that every word on the ingredient list was preceded by a ‘triple’, so I think I suffered from either a small stroke or a brain hemorrhage due to excessive intake of grease. But as a rule of thumb: if you should ever find yourself in Pensacola and see a Whataburger on the right side of the road, I suggest you take a sharp left instead. Even if it takes you off a cliff.
Wendy’s - Baconator.
In your average burger you’ll be calculating with a roll, some ground beef, a certain amount of cheese, salads - like tomatoes, pickles, onions - and maybe a wee bit of cheese. So lets assume that we take each of these ingredients and instead insert bacon. You’ll end up with a burger consisting of a roll, some ground beef, bacon, bacon - like bacon, bacon and just a little bit more bacon - oh and a wee bit of bacon.
This celebration of the clotted vein is The Baconator. And if you haven’t tried it please do - it’s delicious.
Red Robin - The Honky Tonk Hot Pork Barbecue Burger.
For the love of God, just look at the name. Of course I’ll try it.
Should you ever find yourself in a position where you are able to avoid this burger, I beg you, please do. Oh, and should you be able to perform an old-school exorcism before you leave I suggest you do - because that really is one mean burger.
The meat is basically shredded pork held together by a patented barbecue grease that - besides being the taste equivalent of being kicked in the nuts - holds it together. It’s served in a sesame bun that is just dry enough to absorb the runaway grease, and then fall apart. And for some odd reason they found it necessary to add gravy to the equation. Bad idea.
The fries kind of looked like the nails for my coffin - I actually did see a hearse driving by while trying to defeat this critter - and tasted like unbaked potato, rolled in salt and molten garlic (which I suspect was what it was).
Huddle House - The Dirt Meal.
I really don’t know what I got, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t either because he was asleep when I got there, and drifted of over the counter the second after he served us. I’m pretty sure there was beef involved, but then again it kinda tasted like to Coca Cola - which really wouldn’t be all bad had it not been for the fact that the Coca Cola tasted dirt.
But the basic lesson from this godforsaken place is that if you ever see an adolescent redneck sleeping across the counter of a small fast food diner in a little worn down craphole of a town - you really shouldn’t wake him up and ask him to cook you dinner.
It all leads me to a passage I read somewhere a long time ago - it might have been the Bible, but I’m not sure:
And the Lord said: behold: I give thee: a butt load of bacon. Behold the dangers and ye shall be fine.
And the people cheered. And those who did not heed the Lords warnings and had a second - they cheered no more. Alas they were screwed over by cardiac arrest and are now feasting at the diner upstairs.
Should there be any need for elaboration on my part please let me know - and this is not all the places we’ve dined in. The list goes on to thirty or forty. These are just representative of what we’ve tried and done.
I have divided them into two groups: The Greasers and The Champions. The Greasers aren’t necessarily bad, they’re just greasy - and often so does the service. But lets face it - grease is love.
So without (much) further ado I give you:
Kristian’s list of Roadside Greasers:
Burger King - Cornfed beef with grease, served with a side of carelessness and a big glas of ineptitude.
Sometimes when you walk into a Fast Food restaurant every bone, every fiber in your body just begs you to leave and find some real food. Obviously this is in vain - lets face it: if you wanted something that could sustain you wouldn’t be there in the first place.
But this was one of those places. As soon as we came in we get a queasy feeling. The guy swapping the floor is picking his nose, the manager is yelling across the diner that he really needs to stop picking his nose - and the only other customer in there has a contorted look in his eyes, that just gets worse for every time he chews. It looks as if his burger is trying to yank out his teeth, one at a time.
I really don’t think I’ll be going back there any time soon.
Sonic - Dunno, you try ordering a burger through an intercom in a language you don’t understand.
It started like this:
Lady in speaker: “*Scratch*, *rish*, *rish* welcome *scratch*, *beeeep* Sonic, *raaab*. Y’all want mayonnaise?”
I look desperately at Jacob who is trying to apply his knowledge of sanskrit to understand the lady. Especially the mayonnaise threw us of - this in the light of the fact that we hadn’t even ordered yet. But we were hungry as hell and decided to give it a try . So I hesitantly stutter: I would like one Bacon Cheese Burger Menu, a Caesar Salad please and two bottles of water please.
Lady in the speaker: *weeeeeeeep*, *boink*, *phone ringing*, Banana mustard and mayonnaise with the...
And I’m hit by a static noise that almost turns over our car, practically blinds me and definitely messes up Jacob hairdo. Trying to recover from the deafening noise I yell to her:
Kristian: No I just want burgers and fries please!
For two blissful seconds everything is quiet, and then a clear voice comes through the speaker:
Lady in the speaker: I know that Sir, do you want a milkshake, soda or mayonnaise with the order sir?
The blast of clarity is hard, and as this point I am utterly incapable of recovering. I wave the white flag and say:
Kristian: I’ll take a shake, mayo and a coke for the salad please....
Quiet for two seconds...
Lady in the speaker: Thank you Sir, that will be 9.87$. And Sir - you’re heading the wrong way in the drive through - please move your vehicle for the other customers to get out...
It turns out that every entrance to the Sonic diners are a one way street and that each parking spot has a radio and speaker for ordering. I had apparently parked across three of these without noticing.
Oh, and that night we had hamburgers, with a side of fries, Mountain Dew but no Mayo.
The little place in the Adirondacks I can’t remember the name of - Papa Bear burger.
We’d been driving around the Adirondacks all day and were beginning to feel the hunger known only to those who travel the frontiers - those brave enough to actually go where AT & T have no coverage, and where the internet doesn’t support streaming video. We found this little roadside diner - the first one we saw that was open out of season, and decided to go in. It looked like a place you’d find in Twin Peaks: that is - in the later episodes with the spirits and the cabin in the woods, Windom Earle and ‘Fire Walk With Me-Bob’. Great place for a Chef’s Salad, eh?
Well we get in - it’s a nice and comfortable place - and the waiter gives us the menus. Jacob quickly spots the Chef’s Salad and I’m just about to order that as well... But then I see it: up in the top right corner of the two page menu is the burger section. And right there is a burger called ‘The Mama Bear’. It looks good and I mean - it’s a mama bear how dangerous can that be? But wait there is an arrow pointing to the back page of the menu!
As you know, being an explorer takes commitment - so I travel to the last page of the menu. And as I do I am struck by a the beauty of the beast: THE PAPA BEAR BURGER!
It’s a big ass slap of meat, with sauteed onions, mushrooms, bacon and so much gravy that you could probably keep small class supertanker afloat in there. I look at Jacob who just ordered his salad and think to myself that I ought to order the salad. There is no way that I can eat that thing. It looks disgusting, unhealthy, will probably cause respiratory problems from the first bite and without doubt affect my already failing short term memory.
Later driving away from the place I thank god I had a piece of that greasy goodness and try to assure my self that even though I did finish The Papa Bear burger, it’s still not ok for me to devour Jacob as celebratory snack.
Whataburger - The Triple Everything.
I’m not really sure what it was that they served me. I do however remember that every word on the ingredient list was preceded by a ‘triple’, so I think I suffered from either a small stroke or a brain hemorrhage due to excessive intake of grease. But as a rule of thumb: if you should ever find yourself in Pensacola and see a Whataburger on the right side of the road, I suggest you take a sharp left instead. Even if it takes you off a cliff.
Wendy’s - Baconator.
In your average burger you’ll be calculating with a roll, some ground beef, a certain amount of cheese, salads - like tomatoes, pickles, onions - and maybe a wee bit of cheese. So lets assume that we take each of these ingredients and instead insert bacon. You’ll end up with a burger consisting of a roll, some ground beef, bacon, bacon - like bacon, bacon and just a little bit more bacon - oh and a wee bit of bacon.
This celebration of the clotted vein is The Baconator. And if you haven’t tried it please do - it’s delicious.
Red Robin - The Honky Tonk Hot Pork Barbecue Burger.
For the love of God, just look at the name. Of course I’ll try it.
Should you ever find yourself in a position where you are able to avoid this burger, I beg you, please do. Oh, and should you be able to perform an old-school exorcism before you leave I suggest you do - because that really is one mean burger.
The meat is basically shredded pork held together by a patented barbecue grease that - besides being the taste equivalent of being kicked in the nuts - holds it together. It’s served in a sesame bun that is just dry enough to absorb the runaway grease, and then fall apart. And for some odd reason they found it necessary to add gravy to the equation. Bad idea.
The fries kind of looked like the nails for my coffin - I actually did see a hearse driving by while trying to defeat this critter - and tasted like unbaked potato, rolled in salt and molten garlic (which I suspect was what it was).
Huddle House - The Dirt Meal.
I really don’t know what I got, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t either because he was asleep when I got there, and drifted of over the counter the second after he served us. I’m pretty sure there was beef involved, but then again it kinda tasted like to Coca Cola - which really wouldn’t be all bad had it not been for the fact that the Coca Cola tasted dirt.
But the basic lesson from this godforsaken place is that if you ever see an adolescent redneck sleeping across the counter of a small fast food diner in a little worn down craphole of a town - you really shouldn’t wake him up and ask him to cook you dinner.
It all leads me to a passage I read somewhere a long time ago - it might have been the Bible, but I’m not sure:
And the Lord said: behold: I give thee: a butt load of bacon. Behold the dangers and ye shall be fine.
And the people cheered. And those who did not heed the Lords warnings and had a second - they cheered no more. Alas they were screwed over by cardiac arrest and are now feasting at the diner upstairs.
Should there be any need for elaboration on my part please let me know - and this is not all the places we’ve dined in. The list goes on to thirty or forty. These are just representative of what we’ve tried and done.
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